Reflecting on ‘The Middle Passage’ and my own journey, I realized my so-called ‘midlife crisis’ kicked in early, around when I was 34. Yep, that’s a solid six years and counting now, lol.

It began with an intense awareness of mortality, leading to existential questions: Beyond being a mother, a wife… who am I, really? What’s my true legacy? How will I contribute to making the world slightly better? It involves reevaluating life decisions, pondering ‘What ifs?’ and all that jazz. You know the kind.

I fell into the classic trap: thinking a radical change was the answer. Like that middle-aged guy leaving his wife for his secretary, buying an Italian sports car that doesn’t even fit Jakarta’s traffic. I thought leaving Indonesia (again) was the solution. But looking back, I see it was just another form of escapism.

What truly helped me navigate this phase wasn’t the extreme geographical shift. Sure, moving from the equator to 65° North played a part, but the real game-changer was embracing gradual transformation.

It’s about befriending solitude, diving deep into self-examination, understanding my values, life goals, and gaining increased self-awareness. It meant reevaluating priorities, confronting the shadow and persona I’d been wearing to meet societal expectations. It’s coming from within, not from some form of external validations.

And probably the fact that I started to study the Humanities helped a lot. I read more about philosophy, fiction, psychology, and well, cognitive science. They helped me understand my own psyche better.

This journey taught me that acceptance of oneself doesn’t always require dramatic, radical change. Sure, it might work in certain cases, giving you the push you desperately need. But it’s not the same as rushing for a quick fix, which can lead to impulsivity, sometimes unrealistic expectations, and ultimately, another disappointment. It might even worsen the identity crisis.

These past six years have shown me that healthier, sustainable, and lasting change happens through small, steady steps. It’s not always about grand, sweeping transformations, but more about consistent, gradual growth.

This is not to say that I’ve figured it all out. I still struggle with the angsts every now and then, of course. But maybe I can navigate everything a little bit better than I did six years ago.

#turningfortythisyear